Silence is Golden...Or is It?

One of the major life lessons my mother has always taught me was that silence was golden; that keeping my thoughts to myself would prevent me from getting into trouble. It wasn't until recently that I've really begun to question this lesson. Sure, I believe there are certain things in life that are meant to be untold.  For example, rumors or someones deep secrets. But, when it comes to emotions, are we really meant to keep things bottled up?

From time and time again, I feel that writing these blogs are a true way of letting my emotions out. Sure, I try to make some humour out of my unfortunate situation and always have an interesting hospital related experience. But, reading back on them I am starting to realize that I haven't been able to truly let go of how I feel.  What you may see is some strong, empowered 25 year old who has just survived cancer. Yet, some days I feel so weak and fragile; like I'm about to breakdown but I don't.  Why? Because I have this need to want to prove to everyone how strong I actually am!

They say people go through stages of grief and loss. They usually follow something like: denial, anger, fear, acceptance, and sadness. Why have I suddenly reverted back to anger? This is supposed to be a time for healing and returning to my "normal" life.  I just can't seem to accept what has just happened. I guess you just can't put a time stamp on surviving.

The other day I was just discussing with my sister how I am still getting some bladder spasms since having my kidney stone surgery - which by the way was a horrible experience.  She quickly reminded me, "Well Jill...you do realize you just have 2 surgeries only a couple weeks ago." Oh how could I forget?

So where am I going with this?  It seems as though ever since I completed my chemotherapy back in October, that there has been a train of unfortunate events happening that leave me angry with the world.  How could I have done something so horrible in life to receive this?  Please bear with me as I write this as I am in no mean asking for sympathy. I am simply writing this as a means to break the silence that is kept inside of me.

Right around the time I was finishing up chemotherapy I was finding myself to feel the sadness of what everything I had just one through. I was starting to feel lost and unable to accept the fact that I was done chemotherapy; like I had no protection over this "thing" that was causing my breast cancer.  It could come back at anytime. I actually found myself crying uncontrollably at work one day. I, along with my boss, decided I needed to step back a bit and take care of myself.  I was trying to be a hero and go back to work almost full-time. Quickly, I realized that I was not only physically ready, but definitely not emotionally ready to be "Old Jill." So again I go to see my psychiatrist.  Fiddled with my meds and my sleeping pills.  I was an emotional wreck. 

Most importantly, I was worried I wouldn't be able to pay my bills. I couldn't work because I wasn't healthy, but I needed to work to be able to pay the bills.  At this point my disability still wasn't approved and I had no means of an income.  What a struggle that was and still is. Well, of course no sooner I'm done chemo, I get this kidney stone.  I was in so much pain; I couldn't even stand without wanting to keel over.  I do remember being at work one day hosting our kids Halloween party and just holding back the tears because of the pain.  Just my luck, the stone wouldn't pass and I would need not only 1 but 2 surgeries.  They put this stent in through my bladder and kidney to help flush out the stone. It's amazing how such a small tube could cause that amount of pain.  Well, because I had 2 surgeries, I was back off work AGAIN.  So, not only was I worried about this stone jabbing my bladder, but how the hell I was going to pay my bills.  Ohh the stress guys - you have no idea. All while this is going on, I realize that last year at this time I wasn't worried about money because of the very generous fundraisers that were held for me. Yeah, well being the person I am, instead of thinking about myself, I was busy being generous to other people - helping other sick people financially, donating to the breast cancer foundation, and even giving money to a certain male who I will not name.  So here I am today.  My generous deeds leave me in the shitter (excuse my language). I was trying to pay it forward and help others. It just makes me sick.

So, I finally receive the news that my disability has been approved and I will receive cheques monthly from the government. Mind you, it isn't very much.  But, it was helpful knowing I wouldn't have to work so much just to get by.  Well, well, well. Here goes yet another strand of bad luck.  Our lovely National Student Loans center decided not to send me renewal forms to keep me out of repayment and come December 1st took $310 out of my bank account without notice. Goodbye Christmas!!  I sobbed for hours!! Thank you Jacques for being there for me.  Suddenly everything came into perspective.  I am 25 years old - all of my friends have their careers, are working full-time, go out whenever they want, and most importantly - they don't have cancer.  Why am I stuck in this hole? Why is it that every time I seem to get just a little ahead, something has to knock me right off my feet? This is where the anger began.  I just want to scream "FUCK THIS" - Why does all this shit keep happening to me?  I don't want to be sick anymore, I just want to have my dream job as a teacher, I want to be independent, and do what normal 25 year olds do!!!

What bothers me the most is that people just assume that because I am all done chemotherapy, I'm supposed to be back to normal Jill. I can do everything I did before. What they don't understand is I have changed so much this past year.  I have a completely different outlook on life and I've spent an entire year injecting poison into my body - it's going to take a hell of a lot longer than 2 months to get back on track.  I tire very easily, I ache in many different places, and I'm an emotional mess if you haven't noticed. It is so hurtful to me when people say "You're fine, you're all done now" Or the best part was "soon you'll be back to old Jill." Yeah, I am physically starting to look like my old self, but no one really knows all of the residual effects I have from Chemo.  I have gone from 25 to what feels like 75. I guess people don't realize that it will never really be over; I will have to live with this worry for the rest of my life. On top of all that, I am less than one month away from having a complete bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction.  This means spending 4 days in the hospital followed by 2 more major surgeries. I am scared shitless. I will be boobless for quite a while. I've been having a ton of nightmares lately about the surgery and haven't been able to sleep very well with the tossing and turning. I'm hoping to be able to relax a bit soon to ease my mind.


Apart from all of that, the worst feeling of all has been dealing with the loss of whom I thought were true friends. Sometimes I feel like I have gained enemies.  This is where the silence is broken. Everyone was there in the beginning. There were days I'd have to shut my phone off just to have some peace and quiet. Now I ask myself everyday - where did my friends go? Rarely do I hear "How are you feeling Jill? Do you need anything?" It's like everyone vanished. Like I'm all done chemo now and everything is all better. My god, I'm sitting here balling yet again. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that the people who I thought would be here for me through thick and thin, are just gone and the one's I'd never think would be are actually the ones who have been here for me the most.


Wow guys, I feel like this has been just a fricken sob story.  I apologize for that one.  Sometimes it just helps writing out how I feel. Let's look at something positive for a change.

We are just about to enter the Christmas holidays and this year I am so thankful I will get to enjoy them. Christmas is my favourite time of the year.  It's the time I get to spend with family, eat a great meal, decorate the tree, and most importantly watch all the Christmas movies.  I was excited to put up a tree at Jacques' and decorate it.  Heck, this year I will actually have the strength to make a gingerbread house!! I've already had the pleasure of doing a little baking too (thanks to Jacques' mommy). On top of all that, my best friend Angela will be returning from her travel nursing job in Hawaii. Gosh, I've missed her so  darn much it doesn't even make sense.

I guess now this means my silence isn't golden anymore.  Perhaps more of a coal colour :p  I'm sorry for the vent session.  I just had to get it off my chest (no pun intended).  I will keep you updated about the festivus of Christmas...love ya later!!!