I am a "Conqueror"

I can't even fathom the fact that I have not blogged in months. I sincerely apologize, especially to those who have been looking forward to catching up with me. I think I might compare this time period to Cedar Point; America's top rollercoast. There were hills, there were sudden drops, and there were even loops.  But, like all thrill rides, you finish feeling relieved, proud, and ready for the next one.  I will forewarn you, this blog will be long and it may make you cry, but I want you all to know that this is my story and despite the sad parts, I have gained an abundance of strength from it. I have divided it into sub-topics so that it might be easier to read. I hope you enjoy!

The little Brown Radiated Square

I will begin right where I left off - the laser beams.  I had a total of 29 radiation treatments; the last 4 were targeted specifically on my scar.  I went Monday to Friday and let me say, I spent my fair share of time in the waiting room; or as I referred to it, the nook.  Ellie usually came with me.  We had a routine - walk in, around the corner, hand off the purse, and off I went into the changing area to put on that ever so sexy gernie gown. Some days I spent an over an hour waiting for the machine and others I zipped in and out.  The whole process was rather simple.  I was positioned on my back with my arms locked into this pillow thingy above my head and was lined up by quadrants.  The actual radiation process took a whole 10 minutes maximum.  The only major side effect I had was having a rectangular burn on my chest.  Imagine the worst sunburn you've ever had, but only in one specific spot.  I burned so bad that my skin actually ripped open, and bled a bit.  I had 2 different creams; one for the boob and one for the nipple.  I'll spare you the nasty details.  Anyways, other than that, it was a cake walk in comparison to the chemo.  Now for the funny stories.  Since I had spent so much time in the nook, I encountered some rather interesting people.  My zesty besty, Brie came with me to one of my appointments.  Now for all of you who know Brie, she could make the most depressed person in the world cry of laughter.  Anyways, we were in the nook waiting because they were running behind and we met this really crazy lady who had quite the smokers voice and some pretty tacky nails.  We were debating amongst the group who was going to be called into treatment next when she began talking about one of the radiation technicians, who happened to be a young gentleman close to my age.  I will admit, he was somewhat cute, but then again I was also surrounded by geriatrics on a regular basis.  Anyways, it wasn't at all awkward to be topless in front of him and having him draw and examine my breast routinely (sarcasm).  Well, turns out this crazy lady in the nook had a huge cougar crush on him and called him "hot pants." I guess she told him she wanted to take him home to her bed that day.  Brie and I were rather amused because he was so red for the rest of the day.  Obviously Brie was razzing the cougar lady and egging it on.  Only Brie could make such a miserable experience eventful.  I also meant an elder gentleman who had prostate cancer.  He very much reminded me of my grandfather - very sarcastic.  He wore the cutest little hat and definitely loved to party.  He would tell us about these house parties he would have all the time, and that he would always get the cops called on him.  He once told us that the nurses caught him coming into treatment high one time.  He was quite fond of the marijuana to say the least.  He always put a smile on my face.  I actually saw a picture of him in the paper a month or so ago wishing him a happy birthday and telling all his friends to meet him at the club.  What a man! That pretty much concludes my radiation experience. To be honest, the 29 days went by a lot quicker than I expected. I was still pretty sick from all the chemo, and was exhausted all the time, so I slept a lot.

All done Radiation: Begin next Chapter

Anyways, this brings me to about the middle of March. What was next? Was that it? No, of course not.  I was and still receive my Herceptin treatments every 3 weeks until December.  They are a half an hour infusion followed by a half an hour of flush.  As time had passed, I was able to tolerate that chemo a little better.  As of now, I usually only feel its major effects for the day of treatment and then I'm somewhat ok.  Well after radiation, the doctors had to wait a few months to make sure the treatment actually worked.  The waiting game began. Do I go back to work? How do I go back to reality at this point?  I was soo used to going to the cancer clinic every single day, that it was starting to feel like my full time job.  I knew at that point, I was definitely not strong enough physically or emotionally to take on the world.  It was a time for me to sit back an reflect on what had just happened to me for the past 6 months. At that point, I had been at my highest weight, and had little to no hair - no eyelashes - no eyebrows.  It was right then and there that I felt like I had reached the top of that hill of the rollercoaster and was ready to fall.  What I didn't realize, was how fast I would fall.  I guess this is where the true 'survivor' story begins.

                                                                    Coping with my Diagnosis

Bear with me here, because this is where my emotions start to fly.  I'm sure I will probably cry writing this - but at this point I can say, I made it through the most traumatic time of my life.  As you all know, I have a very strong love for playing video games. In fact, it was the one thing that kept me occupied while I couldn't get out of bed. I actually began streaming myself playing video games and dabbling into the virtual world.  It quickly became an obsession.  I was feeling so down about myself, that it became a distraction from what was actually going on in my life.  I could talk to these people online, and they didn't have to see this 'cancer' patient.  They liked me for me.  I know this sounds silly, but for some reason it was how I coped with things.  I would sleep, eat, and play video games online.  It was a vicious cycle, and certainly consumed all of my energy.  The only time I really did any reflecting was at night when I was supposed to be sleeping.  However, instead of sleeping, I would stay up till 6am thinking and worrying about what had happened to me, and where all these people whom I thought were sources of support were.  I would think about how different I was, and that I didn't want to go out in public because people would stare at me and judge me.  I felt fat, I felt ugly, and I was soo ashamed that I had no hair. As hard as this is for me to admit, I realize now that I wasn't just taking medication for my physical pain, but for my emotional pain as well.  I was living in this clouded world that was spiralling into a deep and downward depression.  I didn't want anyone to call me, no one to text me, and I laid in bed all day. I know I wasn't able to physically do a lot, but I also attribute a lot of that pain to my depression.  I was lucky enough to have a few people in my life realize that no matter how much I pushed them away, I was actually seeking their help. At that point, I just needed to be held, to be told that I could get through it.  What happened, was that the ones I wanted all of this from, weren't actually the ones I was getting it from.  They say you realize who your true friends are when something traumatic happens.  It's an unfortunate situation, but it is the truth.  I was lucky enough to have developed a friendship with someone who I consider one of my best friends to this day, Mike (aka Wad).  I had first talked to Mike last December and he was one of the few who knew my story inside and out.  Like a true friend, he stuck around for the good times and even for the nights I would cry all night long.  He always reassured me that no matter how sad or helpless I felt, that I was such a huge inspiration to him and that I would get through everything bigger and stronger than ever. After everything, I just would really like to thank Mike for always believing in me no matter what!!!

The Breakup

April rolled around and I was feeling more and more depressed as the days went on.  I hid a lot of my emotions from my family, because I was more worried about how they would handle it.  It was at this time, I decided I needed to be alone - to discover who I really was, and what I needed in life to make me happy. By this point in my life, I felt like a completely different person.  I had different priorities and felt very different about daily burdens. I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 and a half years. This was the biggest decision I have ever made in my entire life. I will not go into every detail about that because I believe that should remain between him and I.  However, I will say that he was a wonderful person, and he will always hold a special place in my heart.  People grow up; sometimes people grow together and sometimes people grow apart. It was a very emotional and pivotal moment in both of our lives. I hope nothing but the best for him and that he may find true happiness one day. 

Coping with this "new" Me!

People have all sorts of way of coping with trauma; some gamble, some drink, some use drugs.  My vice was online gaming.  I was interacting with more people online and sharing my story.   (Big breath) I developed a close relationship with another guy gamer. In my diluted, medicated world, he made me believe I was the most wonderful person on earth and was perfect. I felt sorry for him because he wasn't financially or emotionally doing well; I even gave him money that I didn't have to help him make ends meet.  What I didn't realize, was that he was just using me to ease his own manic depression.  I thought he was helping me emotionally, but really he was just dragging me into a deeper depression. It absolutely sickens me that I allowed myself to become so vulnerable that I believed his manipulative ways. How could I be so stupid and believe some person whom I'd never even met before?

The Nutty Bin

I remember the date exactly- May 28th. I woke up feeling so helpless and I was uncontrollably crying. No one would ever understand me and what I had gone through. This gamer guy was making me feel like a pile of shit for absolutely no reason.  In my mind, if I couldn't even interact with the virtual world, how could I ever live a normal real life. I looked over over at my dresser at all of my medications and thought to myself, I could end this all now and never have to suffer anymore.  In an instant I discovered that this was not a normal reaction; something was definitely wrong with me.  So, I walked into my mothers room and said, "We have to go to the hospital, right now."  Having a mother's instinct, she knew right away that I needed help. Within the hour, Ellie, my sister, and I made our way to the Dirty Dieu Hospital. Eight hours is the time I spent in the ER, thinking, reflecting, crying, and just sad.  I finally saw the psychiatrist on call and told him how I was feeling; how sad I was, and how I even thought about taking my own life. He was very understanding and told me that having gone through everything I did in such a short period of time, it was no wonder why I felt so helpless.  Together we agreed that I needed some time in the hospital.  I had spent my first and only night in the psychiatric ward.  I was so embarrassed and I didn't want anyone to know.  How could I let this happen to me? I've been strong this whole time!! Why now?? Looking back now, I can honestly say that night was the worst but best night of my life.  I was scared, worried, and nervous.  Being placed in a room with two people who were schizophrenic, I must say I saw many things. Where do I even begin? From the lady who was talking to her slice of bread, to the pregnant teenager who was having an affair with another patient, to the woman putting mascara on her eyelids instead of her eyelashes, to the guy in the purple bracelet who was violent. I must say, I definitely wasn't bored.  However, I truly realized that I did not belong there.  I barely slept that night because I was scared that I was going to be jumped by my roomates.  Yet, for the one half an hour that I did sleep, I will tell you that I had an epiphany.  I had one brief dream that night and in that dream, my entire life flashed before my eyes.  It was like a slideshow of every positive life event that has ever happened.  I woke up actually happy for the first time in months.  I looked outside of the window at the trees blowing in the wind and thought to myself, what a beautiful day it was.  It is the very small things in life that make me feel at peace. I said to myself, "I have so much more to give in this life, and I am definitely not ready to give up.  I am a fighter, not a quitter."  I met with the psychiatrist later that morning and informed him about my thoughts.  He took one look at me and said, "Jill!!! You do not belong here at all.  You aren't insane; you are just sad because you have been dealt with such a terrible situation." Finally, someone understood me! I was released later on that afternoon and agreed to take some stress-management classes to help me cope with the emotions.  The classes were Monday to Friday for 3 weeks and dealt with subjects such as: anxiety, stress, and depression.  However, I was only able to make 3 of the classes because I had chemo, surgery, and simply because the instructor said I didn't need to attend.  Although my time spent in those classes was cut short, I learned that I need to not take life so seriously and to live day by day.  I promised myself from that day forward, that I would forever try to find the positive in every situation, for dwelling on the negative would only make it much worse.  In fact, I made it a goal to tell at least one person each day that "life is too short to be anything but happy."  I must say I have been successful at maintaining this, and it actually gives me a sense on internal happiness when I can share this with another person. I've been seeing a psychiatrist regularly, and finally on medications that help me sleep at night.  All in all, I feel much better. Woo I got through that without crying - score for me!!!

Setting Sail from the Port

On a happier note, after I spent my one night in the nutty bin, I had something to look forward to; the removal of the port!!! I had met with my surgeon early that month to discuss future reconstructive surgery. Before anything, I would have to get this darn port removed from my chest.  Woohoo.  The whole surgery lasted approximately ten minutes.  It was pretty painful because I was awake for the entire thing. But, the pain only lasted a day and then it was back to normal routine for me. No more port meant one step closer to recovery.

Erin and Jakes Wedding

Things seemed to be looking up for me!! I was finally getting myself together, and solely focussing on what made me happy.  I was super anxious because it was June which meant it was summer time and my good friend, Erin, was getting married.  This was the first wedding I would ever stand up in and I was honoured. I was a bit nervous at first because I wasn't feeling very womanly.  I still had little to no hair, and was still a tad chunky. I was hoping I would still fit into my bridesmaid dress because I hadn't tried it on since September. To my surprise, it still fit. In addition to feeling less than womanly, I was also nervous because this would be the first wedding I attended without a date.  I remember asking Erin and Jake if there would be any hot guys at the wedding because I was ready to just enjoy me. They both had said there was this guy named Jacques, who also recently just got out of a relationship, that I would find hot. Not expecting anything, I just brushed it off saying, "ya ya ok."

The big day had finally rolled around on June 18th.  Erin was the most beautiful bride in the world!!! The girls were all together and we were all super excited for her. We took pictures at the Freedom Festival and acted like our silly selves as usual.  The reception was outdoors and so beautifully decorated. Having the teacher instinct, I sat with the two little flower girls for most of the night. They were absolutely adorable.

We were all sitting at the head table eating our delicious meal when I suddenly saw this guy walk across the dance floor back to his table from the bar.  I looked to Renee (Erin's sister), and asked who that hot guy was.  Erin immediately leaned back from her seat to tell me this was "Jacques," the guy her and Jake wanted me to meet.  I giggled and said to myself he was way too hot for me and would never even look twice, especially if he knew I was wearing a wig that night.

So, on with the night I went, dancing to Justin Bieber with the flower girls and talking to my good buddy, Woody, at the bar.  We did a few shots, and I had several glasses of wine.  This was probably the first time I really drank  since starting treatment and I was feeling pretty good to say the least. While talking with Woody, I had glanced over to the dance floor.  All of a sudden I caught eyes with Jacques. What do I do? What do I do? I felt my heart flutter, so I quickly smiled and said hi.  It happened so fast.  Next thing I knew, he was walking right up to me. Was this really happening? He immediately introduced himself and we began talking up a storm.  He had the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen. He was gorgeous, polite, and super friendly. At one point, I had left to go to the washroom and when I came back he was waiting outside the tent for me.  We sat on the curb and talked for hours about everything and anything. I was very upfront with him about my situation and how I was newly single and the fact that I was wearing a wig that night. I was shocked because he didn't walk away; instead, he just said he couldn't believe I had been through all that and that to him, I didn't look like a cancer patient, but rather a beautiful girl with a big heart. Later on, I had told him about Jake and Erins intentions of introducing us that night and he laughed because he walked up to me before they could even do that. Then, the unthinkable happened - he kissed me!!! I couldn't believe it.  After everything I had told this guy about my life, he kissed me. I tell you, for the first time in months, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world!!  The night was coming to an end, and my sister had apparently been looking for me all over to leave.  I quickly gave Jacques my phone number and left in a hurry.  Still being doubtful, I didn't think I would ever hear from him again.  I woke up the next morning to a text from Erin saying that Jacques had texted Jake telling him how wonderful the wedding was and he was so happy he met me. I was shocked.  I was on cloud 9 all day long. Around 5pm, I received the text that changed my life - it was Jacques. He told me how happy he was to meet me and that he wanted to take me out on a date the following day.  I literally jumped up and down.  On our first date, we went for a walk down by the river and talked for almost 5 hours. I fell for him instantly.  I am so very happy to say, we've been now dating for just over 4 months and I am madly, insanely, crazy in love with him!!! He is the love of my life and he makes me feel like such a princess day in and day out!! I love you soo much and I thank you for all the joy you have brought into my life!

Dragon Boats and Being Cancer Free

The second weekend in July marks the time for the International Dragon Boat Race for the Cure.  Each year I have raced with my Boston Pizza Motor Boaters. It is such a fun day of rowing, cheering, and raising money for a great cause.  Last year I was sadly diagnosed with cancer just two days after the race. So, this year was very special to me because I was actually a survivor.  As a team we proudly won the hospitality challenge and placed second overall in our division.  I was honoured to take part in the Rose Ceremony this year. Together, Jacques, Jaclynn (my friend), and I went out in a boat with many other survivors waving our pink roses in the air to a special song.  It was a time to reflect not only on ourselves, but on those who have passed away from Breast Cancer. It was a very emotional moment for me.  Both Jacques and Jackie held onto me as I cried for a good 5 minutes.  Thanks to both of you for being there for me. Unlike last year when I was diagnosed with cancer, this year I was about to receive amazing news.  Exactly 2 days after this years race, I received the phone call from my oncologist that my MRI was clear for any cancer cells!! I did it!! I beat the beast!!! All of my hard work had paid off!!!

No Cancer New Boobs

It was finally time for me to meet with the plastic surgeon.  Given the severity of my pathology, my doctors and I decided that the best way to decrease my chances of getting breast cancer again, was to have a complete bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction.  I met with two surgeons, Dr. Evans (the plastic surgeon), and Dr. Davis (the general surgeon).  The are both very intelligent men who collectively decided they will do the surgery at once.  On January 12th, 2011 I will head to London, where I will have a complete bilateral mastectomy followed by the insertion of tissue expanders. I will be expanded for a few months to what they said would be a small C cup.  Then, they will remove the expanders and replace them with silicon implants.  After several months of massaging and healing, they will construct new nipples from skin graphs and tattoo it for colour.  I will remain in the hospital for a few days after the first surgery and will have my new breasts expanded here in Windsor.  The whole process seems rather gross and scary, but I'm trying to look at it as having no more cancer and bigger and better boobies. I was lucky enough to have my friend, Reena, write an article about me in October's Pink Issue of Windsor Body Magazine which she ironically named it "No Cancer, New Boobs." Feel free to check that story out!!!

CIBC Run for the Cure 2011

It was that time of the year again to do my annual walk along the Detroit River to help raise money for Breast Cancer research.  This year I had the opportunity to walk with several of my survivor friends from our group called PINKS (Pretty Incredible New Kancer Survivors). Each of us have our own individual story and our own struggles, but together we help one another through the toughest of times.  We meet once a month at a local church to discuss our stories and seek advice. They have not only been a great form of therapy, but they have all become close friends of mine!!! I love these women.  Anyways, the walk was a huge success. I actually dyed my hair pink for the day in lieu of the cause.  I must say, I found myself walking  a lot slower than the previous year.  Chemo had really taken a toll on me.  Yet, the day was a huge success, and I was so proud to see the sea of pink all along the river.

All done Chemo!

On Wednesday October 19th, 2011 I had a regularly scheduled appointment with my oncologist to follow up on how I was handling my chemo, and what was new. I had recently received news from my Cancer geneticist that my type of Breast Cancer was negative for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 cancer gene.  These are the two genes known to mankind that state whether or not breast cancer has was hereditary.  Out of 5000 + cells, not one tested positive.  Thus, from what we aren't sure what exactly caused my cancer, but from what we do know, I can't pass this on to my children.  This means babies for me!!!  Anyways, my oncologist also discussed with my that I was all done my Herceptin treatments. I was kind of shocked because I had little or no warning.  I even had her double check my file to make sure. YES!!! ALL DONE!! NO MORE CHEMO, NO MORE CHEMO SUITE, NO MORE POKES IN MY HAND!!! I left that cancer clinic for the last time feeling so relieved.  However, at the same time I was also nervous because I no longer had that protective barrier over me.  I guess this is a normal feeling. Well, so you have it! I have finally gather enough strength to show you all the progression of my hair growth.  It's been a long process, I am happy to say I have a nice set of pixie hair now!

My Game of Life: Graduate Teachers College, Pick up Cancer tile. Finish Chemo, Pick up Kidney Stone Tile 

So, I've had this on again, off again pain in my lower pelvic area and in my lower back for several months now.  I couldn't figure out what it was.  I thought it was a bladder infection, but the doctor kept telling me it was negative for infection yet showing blood in my urine and elevated red blood cells. The pain just wouldn't seem to go away.  Some days were worse than others, but I usually just trucked through the pain.  However, one day I was laying on the couch in just immense amounts of pain; the worst yet.  My mom had said enough was enough and something needed to be done. Off to the ER we went.  After waiting 6 hours to be seen by a doctor, I had a CT scan and found out I have a 6 mm kidney stone.  He said usually anything under 5 mm will pass on its own, but he didn't think this would.  He gave me an IV of Morphine, Toradol, and Gravol and I finally felt a bit of relief.  I saw the Urologist first thing the next morning and he told me that in order to remove it, that it would take two steps: putting a stint in to let the stone come out, and then going back to get the stint taken out.  He says he wants to try and see if we can get the stone to come out naturally first. So, he gave me some medication that supposed to help me urinate more, along with some Perks and more Toradol.  I've been in tons of pain all weekend and have been subjected to peeing in a pasta strainer to try and catch this stone.  The doctor wants to test the stone to see if it had anything to do with the chemo I've been on in this past year or if it's just a fluke.  Either way, I just want this stone to pass asap because it kills!!! I would appreciate it if you guys could say a little prayer for me.  What next eh? It's kind of comical how I get the most random things :P

A Life Lesson

As I begin a new chapter in my cancer adventure, I will say that I have been given a chance to learn many new life lessons. With confidence I can say I have really grown up and matured as a young woman. I believe I am wise beyond my years and have been dealt with such a situation so that I may help inspire others.  My goal in life is to become an advocate for young men and women dealing with breast cancer.  Particularly, I would love the chance to be able to perform talks in high schools and inform students about the importance of self-breast exams and being your own doctor. Hopefully with the help of the Canadian Cancer Society, I can kick-start this goal.  All in all, although I have been given a cancer battle, I am confident I have won my own personal war against this life-altering disease. Society has a label for someone like me: 'A Survivor'. I do not think of myself as `A Survivor', but rather a 'Conqueror;' A person who has been given a blessing because my cancer helped me evolve as a person, made me a more enlightened soul, one who appreciates each and every moment I have here, with those who I love. Unfortunately, too many people forget this. I look forward to blogging again soon and keeping you all up-to-date with my upcoming surgery.  Thank you all so much for lending and ear and always being here for me!  Your kind words continue to encourage me each day!!!! Remember to always think pink!