Let's Begin a New Chapter

Several people have been asking me when I was going to write my next blog.  I didn't realize that you actually enjoy reading about my silly adventures.  On that note, I believe it's time to catch you up on what has been going on.  I haven't been posting because I've been very ill these last few months and couldn't find the words to describe my experiences without sounding like a total psych case.


Anyways, the last you heard about was the frozen oven mitts.  I am happy to say that my nails were not affected by the Taxol; I did not have to wear the mitts nor did I have to soak my hands in ice.  I would like to thank my Kirsten for taking such good care of my nails and giving me beautiful manicures; I think she is the reason my nails did not fall off...love you.  I am soo happy to have my LCN nails back on :) I feel girly again.


So my last four chemo treatments were spent in a different chemo suite. I was in a room with about 9 beds side-by-side where I spent approximately 6-8 hours being infused with drugs.  At around 8 am I would begin what I called "the drugs before the drugs." I was given a drip of dexamethasone (the evil steroid to prevent nausea), zantac (to reduce stomach acid) and benadryl (aka night night). After a quick port flush, chemo would begin. Now normally, when you take benadryl, it makes you sleepy. Imagine taking a ton of benadryl all at once. I swear immediately after the benadryl was administered I would become loopy and go into a coma for a few hours.  During one of my treatments, my mom (Ellie) would be talking to me and I turned to her a slurred "Ellie, I can't talk right now!" She asks "why?" In my drugged up state I respond " I can't talk to you because I am so high I can't even formulate a sentence!" Of course she dies laughing and I fell dead asleep for most of the morning. For the next few treatments, Ellie knew what to expect once I had the "drugs before the drugs."


Anyways, since I spent 6-8 hours in this open bedroom, I would meet the most incredible people.  In fact, after I would wake up from my coma, I would often spend the afternoon talking with the other patients, comparing symptoms, and talking about the different drugs we were on.  One day I met an amazing man who was having a blood transfusion. He has stomach cancer that had spread all over and was only given a few months to live. He told me that his one wish was to spend Christmas with his family. Well I am heart broken to say this, but this amazing person passed away a few days before Christmas. I learned a very valuable lesson from him.  Even though I am going through hell, I know that there is a light at the end of my cancerous tunnel and I will be a survivor.  There are people in this world who are very unfortunate and have no hope for a brighter future; I am lucky to have the opportunity to save my life and be able to BELIEVE that better times are ahead of me. And although there are days I feel like giving up and wanting to curl up in my bed and cry all day. I just think of this man and I know he would want me to keep fighting.  Alright, so I just cried for 5 minutes...that's enough...sorry for that everyone.


Ok, so many of you were wondering what my scare was during one of my chemo treatments.  For those of you who don't know, I have this heart condition called Mitral Valve Prolapse, where one of my valves doesn't open and close properly so I get blood regurgatation in my heart and I get these palpatations which feel like mini heart attacks.  Anyways, before each of me chemo treatments, the nurse would take my blood pressure, pulse, and temperature to make sure everything was normal.  Well one morning I went in and my pulse was 140 beats per minute.  For some odd reason I had zero symptoms...Normal pulse is 80 bpm, so you can imagine the shock the nurses had....so they ordered an EKG stat and had my subsitute doctor come in to make sure I was ok. On a side note, my real doctor was on vacation so I had this moron doctor filling in.  So he comes in after my EKG to decided whether or not it was safe for me to go on with the chemo.  His exact words to me were "well I don't really know how to read the EKG, but I think its ok for you to go on with your chemo." Seriously? You are a doctor and you don't know how to read my test results...I was baffled. This wasn't the first time this doctor said something stupid to me.  So on I went with my chemo.  This nurses stayed on top of me for the rest of the day to make sure my pulse was ok.  It went down to 120 bpm, which is still high, but I felt OK so that's what mattered most. Well, everything worked out, the doctor gave me a few sedatives and it ended up slowing down itself. 


So, these last four treatments brought on a whole new set of side effects. Seriously, what more could happen.  Well first of all, I was receiving more steroids that I was the last four times. Steroids + Jill = An eating machine. Not only have I puffed up from all the water retention, but I have put on almost 20 lbs. For someone who was really tiny before, you are probably all thinking, geesh that no big deal; she could afford to put on some weight.  Well, it has settled in 2 areas: my face and my stomach...I like to call myself Flounder from the little mermaid because I look like a blowfish and that I look 5 months pregnant. As I said to Ellie, "well this is what I would look like pregnant...take it all in now, because this may be the only time you see it." In addition to the weight gain, I have managed to lose all my eyelashes. You don't realize how important eyelashes are until they are gone...it seems like I'm always getting crap in my eyes..hehe. Another new side effect has been severe bone pain. I woke up one night feeling like a cement block was crushing my feet. I have never been in so much pain in my entire life. If any of you have seen me lately, you will notice that I am not walking normal. Stairs are very difficult for me. I'm like an 80 year old woman...where's my walker?? haha Anyways, there have been a lot of other side effects, but if there's no need to go into detail about it.


On my last day of chemo, I was lucky enough to have my favourite nurse ever.  Her name is Terri - she is soo full of life and she treats me like a human, not a cancer patient. Everyone in the chemo suite was cheering me on as the drip machine beeped for the last time. It was a day filled with laughter, tears, and joy. As I was walking out, my nurse came over and placed this pin on my shirt.  It was a symbol of the Canadian Cancer Society and it said Survivor on it. She said a former nurse who worked at the clinic made these pins and that she only gives them to patients who really mean a lot to her.  We all cried. As I walked out of the chemo suite, I felt empowered!! I DID IT!! I survived 8 intensive and horrible chemo treatments. Walking into the elevator all I kept saying to myself was "Fuck you cancer...beat it!!!"


So it's been just over 3 weeks since my last chemo treatment and I am feeling stronger everyday. I still get my days where I can't get out of bed, but I must say I get more good days than bad..thank goodness. I guess the hardest thing I am dealing with right now is the emotional stress of looking like a completely different person.  It has finally hit me how sad I am about losing my hair and gaining all this weight. I get really upset when I see how beautiful everyone is and feeling like everything has been taken away from me.  I know I will lose the weight and my hair will grow back, but right now it just sucks. This is why I haven't posted a picture yet...I'm just not ready :(


I had a major decision to make over the holidays. As I went for my radiation consult, my new doctor informed me that many women opt to have a double mastectomy instead of radiation because of the long term effects of radiation (heart and lung problems). They way he was talking about it, he made it seem like I was at a higher risk for these effects because my tumor was so close the my chest wall and that there wasn't much tissue left in my breast. This means that the lasers will be directed right at the chest wall instead of my breast....well this seemed like an easy decision..go for the breast removal.  After consulting with my surgeon, it was to my surprise that he said even if we were to remove my breasts right now, my cancer would immediately come back because there were still cancer cells left behind after the surgery.  So, I have no choice but to go with the radiation.  However, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I have decided that once my treatments are over with, I am going to have a double mastectomy.  Realistically, it is the only 100%  guarantee that the cancer will not come back. As scary as the surgery will be, I have the opportunity to have reconstructive surgery. Woo Hoo...finally, I will have the boobs I never had! So last week, I had the markings or tattoos placed in order to outline where the radiation will be given. At first I was nervous, but then I realized how simple it was.  Imagine taking a blue ball point pen and putting a tiny little dot on your skin. So simple! I have 4 small "tattoos" - two in the middle of my chest, one under my left armpit, and one under my right armpit.


So YAY!! I am all done Chemo!! The biggest hurdle during my journey is over and it's time to begin a new Chapter. Just when I thought I was done with the Chemo Suite, I realized that I will be spending a few hours in there every 3 weeks for a year receiving my Herceptin. At least this time, there are no major side effects with this drug :). I will begin my radiation treatments everyday for 6 weeks starting on January 18th. I will also be thinking of a special friend on that day as she is having surgery on her foot...Please join me in saying a little prayer for her that her surgery goes well!


So, I believe I just bored you enough!! I know I forgot a lot and this blog was all over the place, but at least I got to fill you in on what is going on.  I promise I will try to blog a little more so you won't have to read a novel every few months. I hope you all have a wonderful week and try to do something nice for someone else ;) My goal is to pay it forward and I hope to spread the love onto other people.

Lots of Love
Jilly